In another age, well last year, I was in the grip of the deepest episode of depression I have ever experienced.
It was a real bastard of a black dog, damn near won the war, right then.
This is what I wrote at the time, it is raw, it is full of profanity, and it is real.
The reference to Mice and 42 is, of course, from "Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy" all kudos to him who wrote it.
42 is NOT the answer........
"life the universe and everything" is a statement, not a fucking question anyway.
It doesn't matter how it started, (life, the universe etc), or how it ends, it just IS so fucken get on with it.
If you can't get a handle on it, then fuck off and make room for some one who can.
"life the universe and everything" is a statement, not a fucking question anyway.
It doesn't matter how it started, (life, the universe etc), or how it ends, it just IS so fucken get on with it.
If you can't get a handle on it, then fuck off and make room for some one who can.
One day, sooner rather than later I intend take my own advice.
Some pricks made up a story to explain the inexplicable, it's now called the bible, some call it the Koran. But then some arseholes used it to manipulate others. Using that one common fear that all humans have, the fear of the unknown and death. "Live life the way I want you to, and you'll go to heaven and be real happy for eva... if you don't you'll go to hell and be hot and unhappy" Yeah, right... cunts.
There is no heaven, nor hell, you become worm food, or ash as is your choice. There is no god, or gods, there is conception, cell division, life, age, death.... that is all.
If believing such things floats your boat, go for it. BUT FUCK OFF WITH THE WHOLE "I"M RIGHT YOU"RE WRONG" BULLSHIT
Others made up multiple gods and stories to do the same, more power to them, cos they seemed to at least look after their backyard while they live in it (american indians, aborigines, new guineans etc) I especially like the ancestor worship idea, being an old fart and all
As for the academics and the big band theory... fuck off!!!! If there was nothing there, what caused the big bang? You wankers, and really, WTF does it matter.. the universe is expanding? could be fucking shrinking for all we know, or care. Whatever happens none of us will be here to see it. We don't need to spend billions on a fucking particle accelerator to see if the theory is right... that money could go to a lot of better uses, COS IT DOESN'T MATTER.... WE'RE HERE NOW.. JUST ACCEPT IT!
Besides, any results are meaningless, cos it ain't happening in the infinite nothingness of the alleged pre universe, our very existence will skew the results.
And please don't think of the children, paedophiles do too much of that already.
Where is this leading? fucked if I know, but I do know one thing.
I am afflicted by a curse, that curse is described by those called "psychiatrists" as Major, Chronic Depression. Simply put, I become a sad, irrational, grumpy cunt. So sad and grumpy that I have thought about, planned, and on more than one occasion tried to kill myself. It's not a nice affliction... it's a cunt that sucks in a very not a nice way.
It ruins the life of the afflicted, and the people who care about them. I think it's worse for those that care. I hate that.
I cannot control it, I cannot pre-empt it, but I might be able to rationalise it after the "episode". Please bear with me as I ramble, It might save my or even better another persons life if I continue this self absorbed monologue.
I sometimes, no often, far too often, descend into a deep frustration about life and perceived injustices therein. This frustration can turn to anger where I lash out at those who just don't deserve it. Or worse, I go very quiet, very introspective and try to shut everyone out. This caused me to lose the one person on earth who tried to understand and help me. She is a goddess of the highest order who just could not cope with the demons I have lived with for fifty years.
Some pricks made up a story to explain the inexplicable, it's now called the bible, some call it the Koran. But then some arseholes used it to manipulate others. Using that one common fear that all humans have, the fear of the unknown and death. "Live life the way I want you to, and you'll go to heaven and be real happy for eva... if you don't you'll go to hell and be hot and unhappy" Yeah, right... cunts.
There is no heaven, nor hell, you become worm food, or ash as is your choice. There is no god, or gods, there is conception, cell division, life, age, death.... that is all.
If believing such things floats your boat, go for it. BUT FUCK OFF WITH THE WHOLE "I"M RIGHT YOU"RE WRONG" BULLSHIT
Others made up multiple gods and stories to do the same, more power to them, cos they seemed to at least look after their backyard while they live in it (american indians, aborigines, new guineans etc) I especially like the ancestor worship idea, being an old fart and all
As for the academics and the big band theory... fuck off!!!! If there was nothing there, what caused the big bang? You wankers, and really, WTF does it matter.. the universe is expanding? could be fucking shrinking for all we know, or care. Whatever happens none of us will be here to see it. We don't need to spend billions on a fucking particle accelerator to see if the theory is right... that money could go to a lot of better uses, COS IT DOESN'T MATTER.... WE'RE HERE NOW.. JUST ACCEPT IT!
Besides, any results are meaningless, cos it ain't happening in the infinite nothingness of the alleged pre universe, our very existence will skew the results.
And please don't think of the children, paedophiles do too much of that already.
Where is this leading? fucked if I know, but I do know one thing.
I am afflicted by a curse, that curse is described by those called "psychiatrists" as Major, Chronic Depression. Simply put, I become a sad, irrational, grumpy cunt. So sad and grumpy that I have thought about, planned, and on more than one occasion tried to kill myself. It's not a nice affliction... it's a cunt that sucks in a very not a nice way.
It ruins the life of the afflicted, and the people who care about them. I think it's worse for those that care. I hate that.
I cannot control it, I cannot pre-empt it, but I might be able to rationalise it after the "episode". Please bear with me as I ramble, It might save my or even better another persons life if I continue this self absorbed monologue.
I sometimes, no often, far too often, descend into a deep frustration about life and perceived injustices therein. This frustration can turn to anger where I lash out at those who just don't deserve it. Or worse, I go very quiet, very introspective and try to shut everyone out. This caused me to lose the one person on earth who tried to understand and help me. She is a goddess of the highest order who just could not cope with the demons I have lived with for fifty years.
That makes me sad, and makes the depression worse.
If I can live with it, why can't the people I care for put up with it? Maybe they're smarter than me, but not as strong? Or maybe it's just that they have the option of walking away, where I cant... anyone got an idea?
Stupidly, major traumatic events such as the death of my son won't trigger an episode, but a couple of nights watching the news and listening to some self absorbed politician lie and whine about how some other politician is lying and whining, or how some paedophile priest is getting supported by the catholic organisation while the poor victims are suffering will send me to the very brink of suicide. I become inwardly obsessed with these things that really have no effect on my daily life. I just can't let it go and just get on with life. Tell me it doesn't matter and that'll make me worse... cos it DOES MATTER DAMMIT
Tell me to get over it and I could fly into a rage.. I WISH I FUCKEN COULD GET OVER IT YA CUNTS!
But then it goes away, everything's fine, except for all the bridges that need to be rebuilt, the friendships that need mending, the loss of the ones you really care for and respect that you have alienated for life.
Stupidly, major traumatic events such as the death of my son won't trigger an episode, but a couple of nights watching the news and listening to some self absorbed politician lie and whine about how some other politician is lying and whining, or how some paedophile priest is getting supported by the catholic organisation while the poor victims are suffering will send me to the very brink of suicide. I become inwardly obsessed with these things that really have no effect on my daily life. I just can't let it go and just get on with life. Tell me it doesn't matter and that'll make me worse... cos it DOES MATTER DAMMIT
Tell me to get over it and I could fly into a rage.. I WISH I FUCKEN COULD GET OVER IT YA CUNTS!
But then it goes away, everything's fine, except for all the bridges that need to be rebuilt, the friendships that need mending, the loss of the ones you really care for and respect that you have alienated for life.
Fuck that hurts.
10 years ago I went through three years of weekly meetings with a Professor of head shrinkery (Psychiatry) and after interminable different types and combinations I ended up taking 7 tablets of two different types of drug each day to keep the noose away from my neck, the carbon monoxide out of my lungs.
10 years ago I went through three years of weekly meetings with a Professor of head shrinkery (Psychiatry) and after interminable different types and combinations I ended up taking 7 tablets of two different types of drug each day to keep the noose away from my neck, the carbon monoxide out of my lungs.
I then re-discovered bikes and that, according to the shrink, was worth a drop to 5 of one type only. My wife left me, and that was worth a drop to 4... go figure.
I then found "she who would be my soul mate" (actually, she found me) I played it safe and stuck to 4, then I went back to 5 but it was too late, we split up.
Now I'm fucked, every time something good happens, it seems fated that at least two "fuckin hell" events soon follow.
I found a job I love to do, and I'm told I'm good at, looked like I was set to get the gig permanently next year. But no, I've been kicked in the head in a way that the mud will stick (cannot say more, as it's still all under investigation and all that crap) So I'm fighting just to keep the temp gig, let alone next years potential.
Ever been on the dole when you're 50? Fuck that's depressing. Only been out of work for 6 months since I started working as a 16 yo in '76. I don't wanna go back there.
I honestly would rather be dead than go back there.
I'm sick of psychologists telling me I can think more positively, or take "emotional holidays", I honestly feel more like killing myself after seeing one of those cunts.
I'm tired of trying different pills to get the serotonin flitting between the synapses properly, sick of using chemicals to get that noradrenalin to behave itself. Who the fuck invented the name "Serotonin specific re-uptake inhibitor" anyway... cunt must've had one too many acid drops.
I'm sick of everything being a struggle, never being able to shake the perception that everyone is out to get the best for themselves and fuck anyone else.
I'm over it.
I really hope the next time the big bastard black dog of depression gets me I dig up the guts to finally get it over with, cos by the fuck it's a cunt of a way to live.
That is all........
So long and thanks for all the fish
I then found "she who would be my soul mate" (actually, she found me) I played it safe and stuck to 4, then I went back to 5 but it was too late, we split up.
Now I'm fucked, every time something good happens, it seems fated that at least two "fuckin hell" events soon follow.
I found a job I love to do, and I'm told I'm good at, looked like I was set to get the gig permanently next year. But no, I've been kicked in the head in a way that the mud will stick (cannot say more, as it's still all under investigation and all that crap) So I'm fighting just to keep the temp gig, let alone next years potential.
Ever been on the dole when you're 50? Fuck that's depressing. Only been out of work for 6 months since I started working as a 16 yo in '76. I don't wanna go back there.
I honestly would rather be dead than go back there.
I'm sick of psychologists telling me I can think more positively, or take "emotional holidays", I honestly feel more like killing myself after seeing one of those cunts.
I'm tired of trying different pills to get the serotonin flitting between the synapses properly, sick of using chemicals to get that noradrenalin to behave itself. Who the fuck invented the name "Serotonin specific re-uptake inhibitor" anyway... cunt must've had one too many acid drops.
I'm sick of everything being a struggle, never being able to shake the perception that everyone is out to get the best for themselves and fuck anyone else.
I'm over it.
I really hope the next time the big bastard black dog of depression gets me I dig up the guts to finally get it over with, cos by the fuck it's a cunt of a way to live.
That is all........
So long and thanks for all the fish
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