The Purpose Escapes Me.

A lot of friends have died lately.


I'm at a loss to understand why these people, who were  happy, content and looking forward to each day are gone, when I feel no joy in life, I have no interest in getting up each day, I survive. The few times I enjoy life are getting few and far between, it takes more effort to set up, and I've got less energy.  Besides, the harder you

I get up and go through the motions each day, I doubt I'll ever have the strength to stop that. But I have no interest in much. Even riding the bike does little to raise the spirits. That was the only thing that did.

So how does that work?  Am I destined to "survive" with no joy, no interest, while those with a "zest" for life die?

Where's the justice?  the "karma", fate?

Maybe kicking the spaz tabs wasn't a complete success, but really,  it's no worse than before. 
Regardless, I can't afford them.  Nor can I afford health, life, or bike insurance.  Fuck, I can barely afford rego.  The bike is just about fucked, I don't own much else.
My eyes are deteriorating fast, I cannot afford an optometrist, and if I could, then I could not afford the glasses.  The worse my eyes get, the clumsier I get.  This frustrates me. Seems my depth perception is going first, and quickly.
Not a good prospect when the only things I'm half  good at involves the hands and some dexterity.

 
Rent takes half my wage, and as I'm a "sole trader", getting social security to help is a battle I have no energy for.  Fuck me, the "processes" at centrelink are all important, all pervasive.
It's a fight, and I've not got any fight left in me.

I have no drive to find a better job, not that many exist for tired 51 yo males in this affluent country.

I have no desire to enter the petty politics and power games that seem central to life in the workplace.
No palate for the little clicky circles of power that pervade every workplace I've been in.

The thought of being a "junior", essentially starting again, with a "supervisor" that belongs to the "Y" generation fills me with hate.  No, not hate, that would require passion, I have precious little left.

I'll have to start again, as the trades I have (IT and Auto Mechanic) I'm out of touch with.  The software that was the area of expertise in IT I had, now longer exists. The leading brand that I would need to become expert in drives me insane with its incompetence. I may have been a good mechanic once, but not now.
I'm too slow and my experience is with older machines.  I can't stand cars anyway.

What I enjoy, shit, am even passionate about, requires a University Degree to do. Nine years part time, with no guarantee of employment while doing it, no thanks.
Passion and energy for the job mean nothing though, just as long as you have the "paper"
Would you rather your child be taught by a passionate, energetic and driven person, or a person with a piece of paper?
Even teaching automotive (or any trade) requires a degree now.
Why?  Why does it need a degree to pass on the skills of a trade

I'll not start again, I've done it too many times already.  I've worked hard since 1977, when I first started, but mistakes, misplaced trust, and a desire to help others means I have nothing to show for it, nothing but melancholy and tired.

I'm sick of struggling to find the money for everyday things, but without the drive to put up with the shit that is involved in everyday working life, I guess I'm stuck.

I'm thoroughly sick of the the tedious, mindless battles that are everyday life.  Why do people feel the need to lie, deceive or actively rip others off?  Even when they don't, most people have no empathy for anyone else.

Getting a simple response from a query to any level of government is a chore. Why is that?
Why is everything a fucking struggle?


What's the point?